I feel this piece speaking directly to me. "Be successful" me has been trying to ride roughshod over "be who you are" me for most of my life, and it's time to put a stop to it. Taped to my desk, I have a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh: "The quality of our being is the basis of all our actions. With an attitude of accomplishing, judging, grasping, all of our actions--even our meditation--will have that quality. The quality of our presence is the most positive element that we can contribute to the world." I want to be about "the quality of my being." I going to try to play the long game.
I like the analogy to the quality of being, Miguel. Something too easily overlooked by too many of us (myself included). Wise of you to tape that onto your desk.
Reading this I understand that I would be considered “nice”. I like complimenting people, supporting them, giving, I’m happy to wait in a queue, forgive the one who jumps in before me and stand back when someone is coming into a building before I exit. That’s a rule most don’t consider anymore. Thank you for this post.
I enjoyed your essay. I told a friend that my grave stone would say “She was nice”. It is the word most used to describe me throughout my life. I didn’t particularly like that description but have to accept it as a good word. I worked almost 30 years as a librarian and wanted children and adults to view me as approachable. “Nice” worked for me.
That’s like asking who is your favorite child! I read broadly with memoirs, mysteries, horror and general literature and some science. Love that I found Tom Cox here on Substack and I’m reading through his books.
This was a lovely lovely essay, Thalia. I was very proud of you, stepping up to defend that tortured girl, to give that bully some hard justice.
About the questions you raise… I think people — all of us — have *both* nice and mean, good and bad tendencies in us. But what brings out, what evokes and then carefully nurtures the good, while turning back, while firmly rebuking the bad? That seems the key question, the problem humanity must solve (and not once, as there is no single answer, but relentlessly, again and again and again). If there is one thing social psychology - and the parables of its most important experiments - has taught us, is that human behavior is shaped fundamentally by the historic conditions in which we must inevitably act out our lives. We must struggle everywhere to create the best conditions for niceness and goodness, for loving and caring for each other, those that nurture the better angels of our nature.
Jack- This is my favorite part of your response here: “ human behavior is shaped fundamentally by the historic conditions in which we must inevitably act out our lives. We must struggle everywhere to create the best conditions for niceness and goodness, for loving and caring for each other, those that nurture the better angels of our nature.” Absolutely and wholly true in the highest sense of the words. 🙌🏼
Humans are not particularly nice or not. I generally let whether I love someone or not dictate my behavior. I think most humans work this way, albeit perhaps less introspectively.
I have also discovered that there is an interesting distinction between being "nice" and being "good." You can be one, without being the other. I have been described as both, and not always simultaneously.
GM- I like the question of “people don’t change,” which is probably another thing worth digging deeper into. Good and nice are definitely two different things, although both rather depends on who’s talking as well. 👍
It has ever been among the most frustrating questions of my time, and the father who so stridently inculcated me into this thesis spent his life intent on proving it. As for myself, I alternately find that I either contain multitudes or have always simply been becoming who I am.
It's funny, but the most successful people I know are very nice people, although my idea of success might be different from some people's.
To me, being nice means being kind, empathetic, an effective communicator, and seeking win/win relationships, while being able to set boundaries.
Although the people who come to mind are successful monetarily in their various professions, I also think they have a high quality of life because of the quality of relationships they have with their colleagues and customers.
I feel this piece speaking directly to me. "Be successful" me has been trying to ride roughshod over "be who you are" me for most of my life, and it's time to put a stop to it. Taped to my desk, I have a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh: "The quality of our being is the basis of all our actions. With an attitude of accomplishing, judging, grasping, all of our actions--even our meditation--will have that quality. The quality of our presence is the most positive element that we can contribute to the world." I want to be about "the quality of my being." I going to try to play the long game.
I like the analogy to the quality of being, Miguel. Something too easily overlooked by too many of us (myself included). Wise of you to tape that onto your desk.
Reading this I understand that I would be considered “nice”. I like complimenting people, supporting them, giving, I’m happy to wait in a queue, forgive the one who jumps in before me and stand back when someone is coming into a building before I exit. That’s a rule most don’t consider anymore. Thank you for this post.
I enjoyed your essay. I told a friend that my grave stone would say “She was nice”. It is the word most used to describe me throughout my life. I didn’t particularly like that description but have to accept it as a good word. I worked almost 30 years as a librarian and wanted children and adults to view me as approachable. “Nice” worked for me.
Susan, ‘nice’ is definitely a lovely tombstone goal. Maybe ‘kind’ is another word? What’s your favorite genre & author as a librarian? 🙏
That’s like asking who is your favorite child! I read broadly with memoirs, mysteries, horror and general literature and some science. Love that I found Tom Cox here on Substack and I’m reading through his books.
Or as my kids say..first is the worst...second is the best..third is the one with the hairy chest..sligjtly less philosophical..
The third might just be the most important one. 😂
The first shall be last,and the last shall be first..and the rest of us in between shall lie....some interesting musings..❤️
This was a lovely lovely essay, Thalia. I was very proud of you, stepping up to defend that tortured girl, to give that bully some hard justice.
About the questions you raise… I think people — all of us — have *both* nice and mean, good and bad tendencies in us. But what brings out, what evokes and then carefully nurtures the good, while turning back, while firmly rebuking the bad? That seems the key question, the problem humanity must solve (and not once, as there is no single answer, but relentlessly, again and again and again). If there is one thing social psychology - and the parables of its most important experiments - has taught us, is that human behavior is shaped fundamentally by the historic conditions in which we must inevitably act out our lives. We must struggle everywhere to create the best conditions for niceness and goodness, for loving and caring for each other, those that nurture the better angels of our nature.
Jack- This is my favorite part of your response here: “ human behavior is shaped fundamentally by the historic conditions in which we must inevitably act out our lives. We must struggle everywhere to create the best conditions for niceness and goodness, for loving and caring for each other, those that nurture the better angels of our nature.” Absolutely and wholly true in the highest sense of the words. 🙌🏼
An important issue to explore, Thalia. Charles Kingsley's quote comes to mind: "Do as you would be done by"
Agreed, Marco & Sabrina- And Kingsley’s quote is definitely a great one. Hope you guys are doing well?
All good thanks, Thalia! Waiting for August to be over to travel again!
You might enjoy this read.
Your classmate and I had similar moments. I did not have a Thalia behind me.
https://open.substack.com/pub/guttermouth/p/a-real-bad-one-1?r=awu4c&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Humans are not particularly nice or not. I generally let whether I love someone or not dictate my behavior. I think most humans work this way, albeit perhaps less introspectively.
I have also discovered that there is an interesting distinction between being "nice" and being "good." You can be one, without being the other. I have been described as both, and not always simultaneously.
GM- I like the question of “people don’t change,” which is probably another thing worth digging deeper into. Good and nice are definitely two different things, although both rather depends on who’s talking as well. 👍
It has ever been among the most frustrating questions of my time, and the father who so stridently inculcated me into this thesis spent his life intent on proving it. As for myself, I alternately find that I either contain multitudes or have always simply been becoming who I am.
It's funny, but the most successful people I know are very nice people, although my idea of success might be different from some people's.
To me, being nice means being kind, empathetic, an effective communicator, and seeking win/win relationships, while being able to set boundaries.
Although the people who come to mind are successful monetarily in their various professions, I also think they have a high quality of life because of the quality of relationships they have with their colleagues and customers.
You’re right in that they’re often related.